Today & Every Other Day

 

 

Today starts like any other day, dragging myself out of bed to run in and check on Avis for the millionth time since she fell asleep. Holding my breath as I tip-toe in her room and back out – quiet as a mouse. Feewww, I made it. Our morning routine begins as most do with a toddler, showers, breakfast, lunches, dressing etc. all in the attempt to appear you have it all-together and so on. Then on to the waking routine and the stealing of as many morning snuggles as we can gather, so we may get through our day before we rush off to the office. At least that is how it goes for me. Then of course I have guilt that rides along with me on my way to work every day, yes there is that. Today is just like every other morning, except today it is not every other day. Today grief joins me on my way. This passenger has never really left – I continue to get craftier at disguising it as the years pass. I have to convince myself all the way in “do not go to the bathroom to cry today, Do-Not-Do-It”. But I know at some point I will break for it is a given.

I still count every day, not a loud, but subconsciously I know how long it’s been since I held our Owen last. Three years since I breathed in his scent and starred into those sweet brown eyes. Three years since the Dr’s words pierced me with such pain. Three years still seems just like days ago. Every new and wonderful milestone that meets us with his little sister, I can’t help to think what-might-have-been. I keep tabs on my friends and families little ones that were born around the same time as Owen; truly happy and excited to see what they are doing now at the age of three. I am always at wonder and awe of them, their newness to the world. Then I ponder how different it would be for our family with both Owen and Avis to chase after. I daydream about that often. While our daughter was in daycare I couldn’t help to smile when I would see displays of sibling adoration by the sweet peas that mimicked the age of ours. It was always followed by the intense fear that I was going to break down and start sobbing knowing our daughter will never know the love of a big brother and vice-versa. It’s those daily double-edged emotions that serve as reminder that my family will never be complete on this earth.

 

Shortly after the birth of Avis I was asked, if having her made life better/easier without Owen, my answer was simple and honest – No. Don’t get me wrong, there is much joy in our life, and much to be thankful for. Joy attributed by both of our children, but joy can and does exist with great grief. That’s my life and I can handle God’s will. Because for whatever reason He believes I can. And so I go on, focusing up on what is before me: a wonderful, loving, strong and faithful husband, an adorable, sassy, snuggly and growing little girl, both of which overfill my cup – and a sweet strong little warrior of a son whose time here with me/us was much too short. I believe strongly our past shapes our future. Owen will always be the reason I continue forward, it’s okay to look back and hold fast to his memory, it is okay that today is not every other day, it is okay to make multiple trips to the ladies room and re-apply water-proof mascara. It is all going to be okay, we can move forward without losing sight of our past.

As the day winds down and I race off to scoop up my little peanut, I will hold her tighter today and smoother her with kisses to try and make up for the years I have not been able to dote on her brother. I will race around the house making dinner, reading books, dancing wildly, giving baths, changing diapers – trying to hold it together and plan head for the day to come, just as I do every other day. All the while in the back of my mind I know differently, my heart knows differently. On the outside it is just another Monday, inside it never will be. It is the 8^th of July, with many more to come.

Sweet boy my love for you continues to grow each day, just as it does for your father and sister. You have been a seed of strength and faith in my life and I will continue to grow in the years to come because of you. Love to the heavens, love on the eighth. Love you , love you always.

 

To Be Blinded - A Brithday Wish

Ringing in my ear, I good little ditty to beam through the day:

 

“Oh, this is how it starts, lighting strikes the heart - It goes off like a gun, brighter than the sun

Oh, it could be the stars, falling from the sky - Shining how we want, brighter than the sun…”

My Dear sweet, sweet boy, today is so bright I am nearly blinded - sun, snow, love, memories a mix of culprits pulling at my heart strings this day of labor . As the sun streams in from the roof a top, I squint from the bright sunlight reflecting off the snow. It is cold; cold, cold, cold! Yet today is bright and warm with memories of your arrival three years ago. Happy Birthday Owen. I squint some more on my drive into work, fighting back the prick of tears welled up behind my eyelids. I miss you something terrible.

 

Writing today brings me both pain and peace. It serves as a reminder that you are real, you lived and you were here. I held you, we love you, it was not all a dream. You are every bit a part of me today, as you were for those nine months inside my belly and the four months you fought so hard to be with us. You are still my son, every day.

I speak your name often. I find myself day-dreaming of what our life would be like today, especially with your little sister to love after. She will know you, in her own way. Your mache heart marked with your hand and foot print hangs from the light in her nursery. Her favorite thing to do is to touch it. An absolute must upon waking or entering and leaving the room. Her tiny body outstretched – she gleams and wiggles and giggles until she can grasp it - and then squeals with delight. It’s those moments I feel most complete – and not. All together now – it will be some time for that, for us all to be healed and in the Lords light. I promise to make good of that time though, my sweet boy. I promise.

 

You are every bit of my heart that loves so strongly. Not only for you, but because of you. It makes me happy to know that I/we are not alone . Your memory lives on in the hearts and minds of others as well. It’s that realization that makes today even more special, more bearable, more bright.

 

We will continue to make this day, your day – filled with positive vibes into the world. So others may be blinded by such love and light – if even for a day. Shine on my, boy shine on.

And the song plays on…

 

“I never seen it, but I found this love, I'm gonna feed it

You better believe I'm gonna treat it

Better than anything I've ever had

'Cause you're so damn beautiful.."

~ COLBIE CAILLAT - BRIGHTER THAN THE SUN LYRICS ~

 

Be kind today all, find something good and share it with the world around you, for Owen's day.

Love the Carpenter Family