Picture Perfect...

I don’t think I slept a wink last night, hovering over the girls with a constant unshakable anxiety that these past eight days have brought to the forefront.  If you are here reading this, you know why. I thank you for checking in on me and my family; for your continued support, prayers and  love uplifts us. You have in your own way carried some of this burden too. Some of you have held us as we wept; you may have done the same perhaps alongside us or on the other side of the screen reading into our lives.  Many of you have reached out to us, be it a short note via social media, a card, a knowing smile, a hand squeeze or ears willing to listen to me say his name so often you no-longer blink, as if he never left us. True friends and loving family we are grateful God has kept you in our lives.  

This past weekend we gathered with immediate family to remember Owen, releasing balloons to the heavens, thankful for his short time with us. It was a surprisingly relaxing day enjoying the sun in good company. As I flip through pictures on my camera my heart is filled with the faces smiling back at me. My husband, our girls – loving Avis’ crazy messy hair, sweet little cousins dashing in and out of the frame so full of life’s zest we cannot contain them splashing along the beach. Each of you unknowingly served as rescue from my anxiety that day...for a few hours the air was light. I searched for a family picture to take account of the day, they all seem so flawed. It’s not what you might think, it’s not that obvious: eyes squinting from the sun, everyone looking in a different directions, toddler fussing, baby sleeping, winks, wiggles and giggles – no this is normal, this is everyday messy perfection. Those are moments I can't get enough of,even when in the moment I may not realize it. Instead what I notice most is what is missing. All I see is that Owen is not in any frame. I will never have a complete family picture. Outwardly our family of five will always appear to be four – this flaw will always poke at my heart. And yet it's as it should be,according to His plan.

Today I invite you to remember our sweet boy. Pick a day this week to let go of any anxiety, put away any doubt or worries that others my see a flaw. Instead sit with your family  without distractions and just watch and listen and enjoy your picture perfect moments. They go by too fast.

 

Four Years of Wonder

Four years old, that is how old Owen would have been today. The years keep adding up against me, pulling me further and faster away from the day I brought Owen into this world. Years filled with cherished memories, grief, great joy, new additions to our family and constant thoughts of what-might-have-been. Four years, can you believe it! Most days I cannot wrap my head around it; we should be parenting three sweet peas ages 4,2, and 2 months.

These days of mine are filled with love, sweet giggles, new coos, piles of dirty laundry, and not enough time.  On the surface I appear to be a mommy like so many. Exhausted with messy hair and a breast milk stained shirt while stepping OUCH! on toys sporadically scattered about by our toddler; tired yet eager and looking forward to the rewards tomorrow will bring. However just beyond the surface of what you see there is something invisible, a constant wonder. With so much to do how does one sneak time away to think of what-might-have-been, but I do. I do with every one of those laughs and butterfly kisses, with new words that seem to drip out of Avis Rose like honey and the ridiculous infectious smiles that Ilah May flashes that seem so stretched that I contemplate having to take her to a masseuse to relax those scrumptious cheeks of hers. I can’t help myself, I always wonder how today could be brighter with their big brother here.

Most days I wonder in smiles and other days through tears. Today I will  wonder what would we be doing for his birthday? The cake, the theme, what would his “big” gift be from his Daddy and I? Would he have been able to blow out his candles or would he still be on a ventilator? Would his sisters champion around him and or rival?  For all the questions I hold there are two truths I know. One: Owen would have been much different than the average four year old, but he would be here and embraced for his differences. That is what I long for most, his presence in lieu of absence, especially on days like today. And two: All the hopes and dreams I had for him has been replaced with wondering; what-might-have-been is all I have left now. 

So beneath the surface I will continue to wonder and speculate about what it might have been like to raise up three children in our nest; a big brother and two little sisters, to watch them grow up together through the trials and tribulations of this life. I can smile at my wonder, even though it will never be.  I can wonder all the while living, learning and loving the family before me. I can be grateful for what my arms can hold and for what they once held. I can remember him, and that because of him I am a mother of three.

I ask that you remember too. Today is Owens Birthday celebrate his life. Celebrate your family and be especially kind to others today for you never know what invisible struggle lies just beyond the surface.

 

Happy Birthday Owen, we love you dear boy!