Four Years of Wonder

Four years old, that is how old Owen would have been today. The years keep adding up against me, pulling me further and faster away from the day I brought Owen into this world. Years filled with cherished memories, grief, great joy, new additions to our family and constant thoughts of what-might-have-been. Four years, can you believe it! Most days I cannot wrap my head around it; we should be parenting three sweet peas ages 4,2, and 2 months.

These days of mine are filled with love, sweet giggles, new coos, piles of dirty laundry, and not enough time.  On the surface I appear to be a mommy like so many. Exhausted with messy hair and a breast milk stained shirt while stepping OUCH! on toys sporadically scattered about by our toddler; tired yet eager and looking forward to the rewards tomorrow will bring. However just beyond the surface of what you see there is something invisible, a constant wonder. With so much to do how does one sneak time away to think of what-might-have-been, but I do. I do with every one of those laughs and butterfly kisses, with new words that seem to drip out of Avis Rose like honey and the ridiculous infectious smiles that Ilah May flashes that seem so stretched that I contemplate having to take her to a masseuse to relax those scrumptious cheeks of hers. I can’t help myself, I always wonder how today could be brighter with their big brother here.

Most days I wonder in smiles and other days through tears. Today I will  wonder what would we be doing for his birthday? The cake, the theme, what would his “big” gift be from his Daddy and I? Would he have been able to blow out his candles or would he still be on a ventilator? Would his sisters champion around him and or rival?  For all the questions I hold there are two truths I know. One: Owen would have been much different than the average four year old, but he would be here and embraced for his differences. That is what I long for most, his presence in lieu of absence, especially on days like today. And two: All the hopes and dreams I had for him has been replaced with wondering; what-might-have-been is all I have left now. 

So beneath the surface I will continue to wonder and speculate about what it might have been like to raise up three children in our nest; a big brother and two little sisters, to watch them grow up together through the trials and tribulations of this life. I can smile at my wonder, even though it will never be.  I can wonder all the while living, learning and loving the family before me. I can be grateful for what my arms can hold and for what they once held. I can remember him, and that because of him I am a mother of three.

I ask that you remember too. Today is Owens Birthday celebrate his life. Celebrate your family and be especially kind to others today for you never know what invisible struggle lies just beyond the surface.

 

Happy Birthday Owen, we love you dear boy!