Come rain or shine, I am thankful – always thankful

I am waiting on the rain today. It always seems to come, sometimes only a sprinkle or a spit – it’s fallen now for six years on this very day, the 8th of July. Six years, that seems like it should feel forever ago. Reviewing the forecast last night I go to bed thinking it’s not happening this year. No rain. Just heat and clouds.

Good day to turn on the sprinklers and watch the girls run….and off to sleep I drift.

 The morning arrives before I'm ready for it. Sweet little Ilah girl has snuck into our bed in the night and she is poking at me “maahhh-ma… maahhh-ma…you ahh’wake?” she whispers less than an inch from my face. I try and snuggle her back to sleep, she wipes off my kisses, laughs wildly and teases me “yuck” she giggles – “Me watch shows?” Too often I fear I give into her request and with one-eye-open I let her lead me out to the living room and turn on Super-Why; just so I can lie in bed for just a few-more-minutes and try to will away the exhaustion that will pull at my heels for the rest of my day.

 Then it’s off to our daily routine (the short version): Coffee for momma (lots and lots of coffee), dressing and brushing – I must mention how awesome it is that Avis Rose insists on doing this all on her own now! Morning drop-off or prep for daddy day, day at the office (more coffee), working momma guilt, pick-up, dinner, chores, play-time, baths, books and off to bed. Then not sleeping, because one of the littles won’t sleep… they take turns now – how thoughtful (smile).

 Our days have a constant and predictable rhythm, along with the a few crazy beats. You know the usual ups and downs with toddlers. We have our super-terrific-absolutely-perfect happy days then there is the epic toddler public meltdowns that send me hiding in the bathroom to eat chocolate days. Our girls are happy and healthy and run about with a carefree spirit that fills my cup over! This routine, this “normalcy” we have been blessed with makes the reality of everything that happened six years ago seem like nothing more than a really bad dream. 

 I am fully awake now, he was not a dream. Our loss is still very real today. Even though it may not be obvious to others, Owen is still part of our daily routine. For he is why I awake every morning smothering Avis and Ilah with kisses and I constantly tell them “I love you more!” He is why when I am running late and the girl’s bat-a-lash I stop in my hurriedness to meet a need. He is why I don't mind that my house is in a constant state of disorder. He is why watching my husband father our daughters makes my heart want to burst with joy. He is why listening to my girls play and laugh (and even fight) together is the very best part of my day, and above all he is the reason why I pray for patience with my children and thank God I get to be so exhausted All.The.Time. 

Owen is also one of the reasons at the end of our busy day, when I want nothing more to drop this routine, sleep and just give-up, I don’t. I don’t stop missing him. I don’t stop myself from crying on the days I need to let it out. I don’t hide his life from his sisters – or anyone really. I don’t apologize for my grief – it’s a long journey – one that I can live with. I don’t stop loving my family deeply. I don’t stop wondering what it would be like to raise-up three children. Most importantly I don’t stop turning to God and seeking His help.

Tonight when I check on our sleeping girls, with one still in the crib that was intended for him first, I am certain I will fight back tears – but I will also be thankful. Thankful for our daily routine. Thankful that his short life made me want nothing more than to better wife and mother.  Thankful for all the wonderful friends and family that he has united around us through these years and thankful for the rain today from 2:42 pm to 3:03. It rained hard – it was sideways – it was remarkable.

 Heaven sent – thank you baby boy, we miss you too!