This Little Light of Ours

Dearest Owen ~

     Our days without you are long. Trying to grasp the time that continues to slip from us, it’s been a year? There are days I sit so still as life seems to move like spinning cups around me – dizzy. There are days I wish the world would back spin; stuck in reverse just long enough for another day. I long to go back to that walk; our first walk together, looking up at me your father guiding us through bright hallways - peaceful. To go back and feel that hope again in lieu of darkened paths. Your eyes so bright and wondrous holding you heart to heart, letting you go has torn me so - broken. In these days that seem so dark and isolated we have managed to allow the light to guide us. This little light your light Owen, God’s gift to us your shining love that encompasses us with His – grace.

     We are forever grateful for your life. We are so proud of you and how hard you fought to meet us and be a part of our life for four months – warrior. Because of you we know what it is to truly love unconditionally – agape. To speak kinder, to be more accepting, to trust in the Lord, to live our lives so we too my be healed from this world – inspired. We have faith that we will pick-up where we left off walking towards hope, perhaps hand in hand this time in His light.

We love and miss you sweet boy ~ Mom & Dad

"For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish, but have eternal life." (John 3:16)

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To those of you that continue to bless our lives in prayer and thought, we thank you. It has been a trying year and having your support has aided us greatly, even if it is done in silence. We are still very new to the grieving process and though we are managing to conceal it better each day, it does not mean it has depleted. Don’t let us fool you we are broken, broken and hopeful. Accepting that your child has been healed doesn’t make you hurt less, grieve less and certainly not cry less. So we ask that you continue to pray that God will continue to work in our hearts and that we continue to be inspired by the life He blessed us with – Owen forever.

We hope you will join us in remembering Owen. One year ago today, July 8th, Owens light went dark from this world. Yet, it continues to burn within us. Please light a candle for him today and remember his life - be light today and shine.

In the presence of immediate family we will be gathering this Saturday to release five dozen butterfly’s for Owen and thanking God for the gift of his life. Thanking God for how in the span of his short life, he touched so many others and how He used Owen to change lives, to encourage parents to hug their children a little tighter, for strangers to come together, to be kinder and gentler in this world, to love – blessings counted.

Celebrate Life Love & Hope

Today we remember our warrior fearfully and wonderfully made.

Dearest Owen ~ Has it really been a year? A year since we first met face-to-face; before you where whisked away I spoke to you, “Hello my sweet boy” you opened your eyes “Hhh he opened his eyes!”.Your father was beaming.A moment so perfect looking back at each-other, I kissed you quickly and you were rushed away. Those eyes , those sweet little eyes... I love you too.

Today is Owens’ first birthday. Though we cannot celebrate it with him here on earth, we still choose to honor his life and all it has blessed us with. We ask that you please join us in remembering our first born on this special day by leaving him a birthday greeting here or say it aloud to the heavens. There are many ways in which you can remember him with us if you wish to share in the celebration of life, love and hope. We would love it if you could do one of the following or whatever your heart-strings guide you to do today:

•Leave Owen a Birthday message or tell us about the Love & Hope he has brought to you

•Light a candle at 5:10; time of birth

•Release a balloon; take a picture and send it to us

•Send good energy, be positive and kind today to yourself and others

•Offer up a prayer and thank God for all the good in today

•Perform an act of kindness, a labor of love—and do it with Owen in mind (thank you for all the hats. we will be delivering some today to the NICU)

Gordy and I thank you for your continued support and prayers today and every day for our family.

“When great souls die, our reality, bound to them, takes leave of us. Our minds formed and informed by their radiance, fall away…..And when great souls die, after a period, peace blooms, slowly and always irregularly. Our senses, restored, never to be the same, whisper to us. They existed. We can be. Be and be better. For they existed”  ~ Maya Angelou

Five Hundred Twenty Five Thousand Six Hundred Minutes

Owens Ice Star - Lake Michigan Shoreline 12/25/2010 ~ With Love Mom & Dad

     Twenty-Ten brought great sorrow, many tears that will seep into the New Year, and memories that I will forever cling to. For no new ones will be made. Believing for a moment in ever-afters, a bit of sci-fi, and movie magic, let us say I was visited by a future self. Forewarning me of the year I was to face. I can say, without doubt, I would have endured it all over again to share those four months with our Owen. Every minute with him was a counted blessing. In miracles, in peeping eyes, in diaper changes, and cute hats - in pinky holds, in a smile or two, in endless hours of snuggles, and blessings - this is how I measure my year.

“Five hundred twenty five thousand
six hundred minutes
Five hundred twenty five thousand
moments so dear
Five hundred twenty five thousand
six hundred minutes
How do you measure, measure a year
In daylight, in sunsets, in midnights,
in cups of coffee, In inches, in miles
in laughter in strife,
In Five hundred twenty five thousand
six hundred minutes
How do you measure a year in the life…”
~ Rent - Seasons of Life - Jonathan Larson~

     I’ve come to terms that the pain will never leave; I will carry this weighted ache for years to come. But I also know this ache will lessen, sustaining Gods grace. It is grace that enables us to serve and endure the trials of this life, and grace that will ultimately bring us to glory, bring us Home. Home to where Owen resides before us; where all of our pain will be healed. If I hope for anything in 2011, it is continued grace.

     There were so many absolutes this past year brought. So much that can not be undone; moments that will never be stolen; many blessing that I choose to be the center of this passing year. A life beautiful in all it’s mess, a life because of our love and faith. A boy perfect in every way to his parents, a blinding love I am thankful for. Owens' life has forever changed our core; his life may have changed yours too. In 2010 I became a mother, my husband a father, with our son a family - and this will always be.

May Twenty-Eleven be kinder and gentler to all of us, and may grace be with you.

Heavier Things
A day of thanks was far from it. I tried, I truly did. On top of being ill the day just seemed so…… heavy.  A broken heart and empty arms consumed me. Why today? It was only Thanksgiving. Oh my, Christmas is around the corner. As I lounged around in my pajamas my husband handed me the “Black Friday” ads. Not that I had planned on going out in that mess, but I still wanted to see what I was going to miss out on. That’s what did it. I realized I should be planning a shopping list, hitting the deals, trimming the tree and all things babies first Christmas. The tears came, streaming, heavy, endless.

Can we just escape the holidays? This makes me sad and a little disappointed in myself. My mood has been thick through today, and than something happened. The moon, well it happens every-night, bright shiny thing in the dark sky.Yep, that's what I'm talking about - you've seen it I'm sure. Well unless you live on the moon. But this was different, the night sky was cloudy, looking up there was a luminous ring around the moon where the clouds had seperated forming a perfect "O". The colors where amazing, a hazy orange with bright flecks of white light and deep purple clouds kind enough to avoid my view. It was beautiful. My light I needed to see to awake my inner Positive Polly - good night Negative Nelly you need your rest. I feel lighter already.

What Fall Brings
September was particularly hard for us. Missing our six-month old son and realizing we have many more of these benchmark dates ahead of us without him. October I think the shock begin to wear – as I found myself crying in an aisle as I passed the cutest little infant dinosaur costume. My first public breakdown.  It was another date wondering what Owens’ life would be like today, I imagine there will be many more. There are so many emotions that go along with the death of a child and being a surviving parent.  We are the ones alive, left behind with grief and devastation all the while having to live life, care for our daily responsibilities and watch the world continue to turn around us. It’s like having a second full-time job, as if we’re leading two lives – it is hard work! There is a small part of me that feels relief (for lack of a better word) that we are able to continue on with our lives and stay busy (busy hands=busy mind). Then there is the part of me that just doesn’t want to go out in the world and walk in these shoes I can not take off.  I have two choices, I can shut myself in from the world around me or I can wake-up with my ugly shoes and wear them out in the world and honor our son and try and make a difference in others lives.
Gordy and I are each working on projects to fulfill this and hope to share them with you soon. As we try to navigate our new life together there are times we are very much alone – and some days I’m OK with that. Other days acts of kindness remind us we are never alone. Be it through a card, a call or an anonymous parcel left on our door-step. God has blessed as with great friends and family. We are learning it’s OK to grieve and there is no time limit.
Each day we strive to  make it brighter in lieu if bitter